In late September, my husband and I discovered we were pregnant. We were overjoyed. We’d been trying to get pregnant and we wanted this baby. I couldn’t wait to share this joy with the rest of the world. Our plan was to tell everyone the news around Thanksgiving when we’d be safely in our second trimester. After all, what could we be more thankful for than our first child?
Three weeks ago, when I was 12 weeks pregnant, we got a call from the doctor that one of our genetic tests came back positive for something that in its’ simplest terms is “not good.” Nate and I were heartbroken. Beyond heartbroken, even: it was the most hopeless I’ve ever felt in my entire life. For the next two weeks, we had multiple ultrasounds, invasive tests, doctor’s appointments, and even appointments with genetic counselors. All the tests confirmed the original diagnosis: our baby had severe medical issues. We were in a living nightmare.
The day before Thanksgiving, we said goodbye to our baby. This was the hardest day of my life. I’m not ready to go into the details, and I don’t know if ever will be, but I hope no one has to go through that amount of pain and loss.
For the friends and family that knew what was going on, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. You were our lifelines during this difficult time and will continue to be so. To still feel love in your darkest hour is a gift that I will always be grateful for.
I don’t know how to move on from this, but I’m trying. Every day is different, and I remind myself that it’s only been a week. Yesterday, I felt in control of my emotions. I made it through the whole day without crying. Today, I haven’t stopped crying from the moment I woke up. This kind of tragedy changes a person, but you can’t wallow in the sadness; you have to find a way to live with it.
There will be dark days ahead, and in those times, I ask for everyone’s patience, kindness, and sensitivity. But, there will also be hopeful and brighter days. They say things happen for a reason, and as hard as it is to accept that while you’re going through it, perhaps that sentiment is true. A silver lining in all this has been the incredible support shown to my husband and I. It’s also brought Nate and I closer in ways I never could’ve anticipated. So, I’m going to try and see the positive, even when I’m hurting. That’s when you need it most, anyway.